Saturday, April 16, 2011

skinny jeans & pillow talk

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I tweeted this today: If you can't pull off skinny jeans--you probably shouldn't write about sex either. Sex from the perspective of a sausage can be unappetizing.

I'm sure this offended people. Especially people who a) are insecure about their weight b) write about sex a lot c) hate hipsters or feel like outcasts from hipster society d) hate fashion trends or e) all of the above


skinny-jeans.jpg
From Vice

My statement wasn't mean to offend anyone's sensibilities as much as it was commentary on the idea that people go out of their way to write about sex to be subversive, to seem edgy, in the same way that people wrote about shooting up smack in the 60's. 

At least 80% of readings I've been to in the last two years have been to showcase excerpts of sex scenes, fantasies, trysts in park bushes, panties in the back seat, I teased her with my cock, and so on and so forth. What is with this? 

One night I go to a vermin on the Mount reading in Chinatown. Three girls read and a guy, and every one of these people had some kind of sex experience to share. They called it fiction, but it felt more like sitting around a campfire where everyone took turns reading the raunchiest confessions from their journals. Even an older woman who wrote mostly children's books had something to say about doing her husband in some "not normal" way. Talk about awkward.

Just last night I went to a reading at Skylight books; two young men read. The first read a horny guy masturbates to the thought of his crush story and I thought: Jesus. Another journal entry. At least this one felt edited to a tee, stylistically into a prose piece, but this guy didn't look to have much sexual experience; he was not incredibly attractive, though I wouldn't call him ugly...or tall, or physically fit. 

The point I'm trying to make here is: unless you're Philip Roth, who is the king of sex jive in fiction, don't write stories and read stories to an audience about your sexual fantasies--unless you're really apt at writing about anything--including how to bake a cake, or you're super experienced at sex and have something to teach me that I wasn't trying to avoid on purpose, i.e., getting it on with a fumbling idiot who has nothing but desecration on his mind. 

If I wanted to know second hand what that was like, I would've sure made more liberal choices in my love life. Otherwise, if you want your stories or skills in general to be an asset to anyone's time or existence, get good at something, whether it be naming wild birds or step by step instructions on how to give mind-blowing oral. But please, leave your masturbation fantasies under your pillow and leave the hard core to the pros. 

Just because you've wanted it, and read about it, or tried it, it doesn't mean that you're good at writing about it. Like skinny jeans--they don't look good on everybody; they mainly look good on people who are slender with slender legs. Just because they're in the now, that doesn't mean they look good on stocky Reid who loves Panda Bear and PBR. Trends often have limitations. Know yours, is all I ask.  
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