Wednesday, January 5, 2011

long lost friends

Janie had just woken from a round of bad dreams, she'd had a huge fight with her husband before bed regarding a woman in a picture from the New Year's Eve party he attended without her.

Earlier that day they'd had a fight about something different but equally induced by boredom. In the incriminating picture, a mid-thirties brunette with frizzy hair was pulling Janie's husband in for a kiss, as he smiled sheepishly, half-heartedly pulling away. This was on the night Janie spent New Year's Eve alone, for the first time in her life.

Janie reached for her laptop to check for mail in her inbox. Aside from one chain mail joke about a fairy placing a curse on a man who wished for his wife to be younger, there wasn't much to see. A girl she knew from high school, but never really liked had sent a friend request on facebook. Why not, thought Janie, I'll just add her to the pile.

Janie signed into facebook, she accepted the friend request of the girl she hadn't talked to and never really liked in the first place. She went to the girl's page and looked through her pictures. 53 mutual friends, married, three kids, fat, boring. Nothing new. When Janie was finished lurking her decade ago non friend's pictures, she went back to sift through the friend requests she had ignored for a while.

The first was a broke boozer musician she'd dated briefly in Houston, until they had an argument one night, she told him to leave and went to bed disgusted. That night the rocker type took a rare bottle of chocolate orange liqueur she'd been saving, from her nightstand, cracked the seal and drank the whole thing, even to complain about the taste.

When she woke up with livid complaints, he made the case that she was too concerned with material things to be a decent human being, to get over herself, then commenced to degrading her character to her Oxycontin addled roommate, who for months she had been estranged.

Janie had to move out a month later. The rocker moved on to a fat moneybags, who supported him for years after that incident, in exchange for his services of making daily love to a human marshmallow. But soon enough, he had transformed a marshmallow, too. Cheese sticks, had someone said about it once. For all I cared, he could've shoved them in her ass with his guitar.

The other friend request was from a woman she had never even heard of. One mutual friend. She clicked to see who it was. Then called her husband who was on his laptop in the kitchen.



Do you know a Sophie Toren? 

Wha? Sophie? 
I dated a girl about six years ago named Sophie. 

She friend requested me on facebook. 

Let me see the picture. 
Oh, yeah, that's her. 
We went on three dates about six years ago, 
but then we stopped seeing each other. 


Oh, I don't know. 
I guess it didn't work out. 

So you don't remember? 

Do you really want to know? 
Promise you won't get angry at me? 


Okay. Well, Sophie and I went out three times 
and then we had sex on a couch in an office. 
Only once. 

Did you not like it? 

Her nipples were weird. 
She had no aureoles. 

So you stopped seeing her after that? 

Yeah, does that make me a bad person?

No, I don't think so, it means you have preferences. 

Sophie was tempted to tell her husband about the time that she took a very handsome, foreign stranger home from the bar, how he filled up her gas tank with premium, how they smoked a few joints together in bed, before they started to fool around, how he pulled out his penis resembling a one inch nub with a button mushroom attached, how he begged her to let him put it inside, and she said maybe next time. Sophie held her tongue and let him have the floor with his weird nipple story.

So why do you think this chick's sending me a friend request? 
Is she a stalker? 

Sophie clicked on the woman's page. From what she could see, she had listed Sophie's husband's movie projects as her favorite movies.

No, she seemed like a nice girl. She was a yoga instructor. 
I don't think she's obsessed with me. 

Then what is all this about?

Sophie pointed to the woman's profile pics of her lying half nude on a bed with her wet lips parted.

Woah, she got some professional pictures made! 

That doesn't even look like her! 

So let's say that I'm not going to say yes to this friend request, so this woman can lurk me and see who took her lover from her. 

Would you like me to delete her from my friends? 

I don't care. I'm just glad you like my nipples. 

I do, they're always excited to see me, and that's a huge compliment. 

Sophie's husband returned to the kitchen to finish his work, as she grazed her hand on her rounded belly. Well, baby, it looks like we have our hands full with this one, don't we? She closed her laptop, carefully got out of bed, straightened the pillows and sheets, and sat back down.

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