Tuesday, January 11, 2011

cheddar pretzel combos are gross

Craving something savory, I found an unopened bag of cheddar cheese pretzel Combos in the kitchen cupboard, sitting next to ancient pinata candy and a tube of Quaker oatmeal. The Combos were part of a care package, which also contained a few packs of mint Orbit gum.


The first Combo was delicious, the second, third, very good. Around combo number five, I began to eat the pretzel outside of the inner cheese consistency. At combo seven I abruptly stopped.

I had wandered into thoughts of synthetic substances rendered to look like food. Perhaps it was the taste, or texture. I wondered what my body would see the ingredients as being: polyester, plastic. Eating a handful of dirt would contain minerals at least.

A co-worker studying nutrition to become a personal trainer once told me that Cheetos, Doritos, Skittles and Pop-Tarts all contained ingredients which would accumulate in certain areas of the body as indigestibles, and eventually form tumors.

Who knows, moderation says: do whatever you want as long as it's not a large-scale gross-out feast of fried Twinkies or strudel. This is why I keep the diet sodas down to one can a day. Sometimes two.

Combos, on the other hand, should only be eaten by people in black magic cults who are protected by the gracious spirits of digestion.

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