Tuesday, June 30, 2009

#1 transcribed from scraps

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All of the combined elements in personalities of being extracted to make one source of nourishment minus excess in the same way we build our personalities from specks of essences of people we collect: monogamy, independence, compromise, compliance, boredom, temperance, awareness, honesty, conditioning, romance, intimacy, gluttony.

Missing someone before they're gone is much worse than missing someone once they're actually gone because you know you really like them enough to try to brace yourself for the missing once it comes. Gravity has a way of fucking with people who don't practice habits of suspecting.

She could give a man a look that made him want to kill himself and everyone he'd ever loved. Once a man called her a petulant teenager at a bar while she was sitting deliberately alone having a whiskey to get sleepy. She stared him straight, dead-on in his pupils and didn't say a single word. The man felt his dick shatter; on his way to the end of the bar he tripped on the floor shards; he walked to retrieve his tab and coat and left immediately.
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(The time-release effect on being called "petulant" a great hindsight response versus what Hannah said she did in asking what he meant by the remark thus encouraging the small talk to continue. Though: it's good to see someone utilizing their word-of-the-day calendar, would have worked too. But then they would have ended up the the bathroom going down on one another.)

Please don't lick my teeth anymore; that's what toothbrushes are for, and that's only in the morning.

I had to take Lariss's gift of Sweet Mint gum out of my purse today. The strong smell of spearmint kept whooshing me back to the time I was less than ten, my mom's sidekick in Korea; when she used to take me to commissaries, and rec centers, when I crawled around military bases. I hate going back there. I don't want to go back to times when I was fascinated with the variety of delicious treats in vending machines. Calls on payphones were ten cents. My mom smoked Kent 100's, long, white cigarettes, 60 cents a pack way back when I could eat a whole small pepperoni pizza by myself. I continue to have recurring dreams with vending machines in them. And floods, but I don't know why I have those dreams.

It took three years for him to fall in love with me permanently. Three years of trying not to care.

I do not want to say hello to the cross guard on N 4th because I know she will think we have formed some sort of relationship. One day she misinformed who knows how many people into riding taxis or buses to work,when the train was running fine because her mother didn't love her enough. But, I still feel guilty ignoring her.

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