Monday, December 29, 2008

flowers, candy & claustrophobia

it makes me nervous

looking so far ahead
it gives me vertigo

sometimes lately, if I stare emotionless into someone's eyes for too long, avoiding the look of disinterest and unattention in a conversation, I get dizzy and the world evaporates into a cone and I feel time all around me
what is that?
what is that?

it happened the other day at a job interview
my peripheral vision became warped and rounded on the edges

I felt time--it felt like a blur
it felt like water
feels when you try to cut waves with arm knives

is that what anxiety feels like?

I've heard it often feels like panic
your heart races
and mind
and you sweat...

Once, you said a tibetan monk explained anxiety to you as an object floating in water and resisting the water, or something

And I said: what the?
I said: like a turd?
you said: more like a human

oh, I'm sorry

you said: we resist change
I said: I try to embrace it
good: you said
listen: I said: this is one reason why I hate the idea of being confined
I understand one of my roles on this planet...I am considered "challenging" I am a "free-spirit"
I have often been a muse because of my curiosity
but the catch--the catch is: these men, these people, they want to put me in a box and hoard me away and possess me--knowing that would kill me
or not knowing
it's seems like simple math
yes: you said: they don't know
my last boyfriend: I said: he was a complete narcissist--he was a beautiful oil painter
he never asked me questions I didn't want to answer
He let me go to New York and told me if he tried to make me stay I would hate him and he never wanted me to hate him
I have never felt such love
freedom: you said
yes: I said
the most brilliant people, men I have met--do not understand because they would rather impulsively possess me before they'd ever love me enough to understand otherwise
maybe it's nature
and then I asked you: are you learning anything about women? Is this useful to you?
yes: you said: yes
I understand the desire to possess, I empathize with it
but I am not happy with it
I would like to change it

good: I said: this is good

this is symbiosis

yes: you said: I like that


steve d said...

i always like it when you write 'examined life' gems like this one

freedom is love or something like that...

you need to get the 'L' in caustrophobia

steve d said...

In addition, I know all about the periphery tunnel cone warp anxiety…I do believe that it has something to do with things mildly stressful like a job interview. It seems to hit when you realize how weird and absurd what you’re doing at that moment really is. You’re sitting there, bullshitting completely with this other person, trying to come off as this certain way and the whole thing is just so alien and hence the anxiety cone.

Sabra Embury said...

I changed it Steven. Thank you. I might've been able to get away with inventing the word "caustophobia" as a fear of caustic living situations, but I suppose life can be confusing enough as it is already.

I'm glad you explained the anxiety cone thing to me. I wasn't sure what that feeling was, since what I've heard about anxiety is that it's related to panic or heart palpitations and sweat.

The cone vision ordeal was fascinating as an insider, as an observer--with parts of my brain still calm going: woah, hello, what the hell is that? While my body's natural physiology tendencies were running their course with me like ADD children on a playground after too much ice cream and not enough Ritalin.

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