Monday, April 28, 2008

evolving definitions of good times

I feel different. I wonder if I seem different.

I'd have to ask somebody who hasn't seen me for at least a year, the way people grow and change with you, or just stand still in their set ways and all.

More serious perhaps, or maybe I'm sad and confused right now. I can't really tell much with emotions.

Last night I arrived at a birthday party and a buddy says to me, "You look sad," and I said, "Maybe I'm sad." He said, "You shouldn't be sad, you should be happy." I told him I'd try.

Seems I'm so numb right now, and forward thinking, that I can't really distinguish the difference between being happy and apathy these days.

I wonder if happiness is more of a big thing with young people than it is with adults.

With adults what is mundane or even consistant can seem to resemble happiness, when challenges or inconsistancies render stress.

For me, I still feel restless, and I know this is some child in me, a very curious one, wanting to taste every taste, smell smells, have its bulging wide eyes surrounded by awesome architecture.

It's funny, the growing pains of transition; especially the final ones in leading to really letting yourself grow up. And for a while my worst fears sat trembling on ledges of boredom.

It'd be nice to be able to appreciate boredom after a few more trips around the world. To sit with a pet or a partner, warm, doing absolutely nothing and feeling good about it.

A year ago I wasn't thinking this way; a year ago I cared most about wine and sex and art.

After a while those things just become things to help pass the time.

Now I'd be happy for the world to slow down a little because days go by faster than ever.

I am 31 years-old. Maybe it's time for this.


1 comment:

steve d said...

'evolving definitions of good times' is this the optimist's way of saying 'i'm getting old'?

a bit more serious, yes, i would say your tone has taken a bluer shade and that's good. blue periods should be savored except if they're in your underwear.

seriously, it seems like your eyes are on a different horizon than most of your cohorts.

i liked 'the final transitions before finally letting yourself grow-up'. a line worthy of a majestic dusk with golden aged sunlight and elastic yawny shadows.

virginia woolf said it's the transition we fear the most...perhaps that was her mantra as she went for that fateful dip, but i like that quote, it's a favorite of mine.

wanting the world to slow down cos the days go by faster and faster is one of the nicer requests i have heard someone say in a while.

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